The Rolling Menhirs

Shift

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 14:30:53 GMT

I think I relinquished my 'nicest guy in the world' title a few months ago. Not in a terrible way, I'm by no means the c**t that I see other people being. It's just I've simply reached a limit, and gotten sick of people taking advantage of my kindness. A good amount of that is the attitude of one of my housemates, but I think a switch just sort of flicked.

I'm sort of letting irony run riot over my lovelife too. I listened to advice from some good friends, who told me that they thought I needed to relax my standards a bit. In the last few months, it's been extremely odd to be the guy in control, as it were. Before, it had always been me being into the girl more, now its the other way around. I'm dating a girl at the minute, and already alarm bells are going off. She keeps mentioning her ex, which obviously doesnt help. I'm not perfect but I dont think I ever mentioned Steph to any girl I've dated. It's so strange to be the one feeling uncomfortable because the other person is too into me so soon into it.

I remember being at a friend's house about a year ago, I stayed on the floor in her room and ended up reading something stuck on her wall. One bit of it has always stuck in my mind; "In your life, others will hurt you and you will hurt others." I know it's obvious, but it does seem to be evening itself out a bit lately. It's quite interesting being the selfish one for a change too, just having to end things because I'M not happy. I dont care how it sounds, its refreshing.

Cant wait to get home for xmas, I was back in Blackburn for Sunday night to see Dream Theater, which was also great. Winter in Blackburn is always nice, I like how it feels, what it makes me think. The mood of winter is something I really love anyway, and I prefer the feel of winter at home instead of Derby.

It's weird having a job. It's a nice job, they treat me quite well.

The house is messy as fuck. I even broke a bone in my arm last week, and I'm still doing more fucking cleaning than half the people here. Oh yeah, that bone break might need surgery. They want me in for a CT scan next week to survey the extent of the damage. I still get shivers when the nurse analysed it when I was in A+E last week, I dont think I've ever been in such pain. She almost ripped my fucking arm off! A bit of gentleness would NOT have gone amiss there.

Swansea nostalgia is still, at times, a bit too much to handle, but I keep going back. This weekend in fact. Cant wait, my friend Dave has received a substantial inheritance which will allow him to do a masters and a PHD. No one I know deserves it more than him :)

I must drag that Swansea lot on a holiday sometime. Next summer it's gotta happen, as they'll have finished their courses. Or rather Dave will have, as he's the only one of the 5 of us to have actually stuck with the same thing that they started doing when we met up.

The issue of post-university came up just last night around our house table. A few of the lads were talking about getting a house in Derby, because they couldnt live with their family anymore. I'm quite glad to an extent that I can co-exist well enough with my family to live with them well enough even after a few months of university life. If anything, living in this house has made me much more aware of what I'm like at home, and it's made me much better to live with. When I say better, I mean for normal people who can be bothered to clean up, unlike half this house.

And here's me hurling myself into a mattress a few months ago;

And here's a video of me doing it;

Gettin all hi-tech!
Oh, and Bee, if you read this, get in touch! I miss you :(
love iwan xx

Gentle Reminders To Self Of What's Going On

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 23:32:26 GMT

Let's see. We moved into our second year uni house about two weeks ago. It's still the best student house I've ever seen. The kitchen is a state and needs to be completely redone, hopefully in the next few weeks before we all arrive back in the house for the start of uni again. Out of the 6 of us, there's just me and Nick left now and he's heading back to Switzerland tomorrow till September. Not really looking forward to being on my lonesome for the next few weeks but I guess it has to be done as I've got this job.

Which is also going ok. It's just I wish I had more to do! I've got a massive shift tomorrow, no idea when I'll be finishing as its the end of a beer festival and they'll need to pack everything away. But at least the pay's good. The whole point behind getting this job was to get some cash and experience, and I guess if those conditions are being fulfilled I shouldn't complain. The irony is not lost on me that I finally got a job, and it requires me to do very little.

I've also fallen in love with DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER on Bravo (yeah, yours truly set up Sky and broadband for the house). He's a legend. Nuff said.

UK parents visiting next week, which will be nice because I cant head back to Blackburn for a decent period until August.

And I'm hoping to visit the AUS parents around the New Year period. I did miss being out there this summer, for all my bitching and problems. And it'll be nice to be over in Aussieland during summer instead of winter for once. I also really want to get a few days in Sydney again and revisit a few old spots I love.

Aside from that, that's it. How're you?
love iwan xx

No One's Reading, So I'll Write Whatever

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 03:31:54 GMT

I'm doubting anyone's actually reading what I'm writing here, so I'm gonna write whatever comes to mind at 2.30am on a Monday morning. Usually I censor myself when I start complaining too much, but meh, who cares?

I have a job at the local theatre venue. It's good, and rather easy. Worryingly so, like I feel I should be doing more. Still, good people there, and its a nice place to be. I took my laptop with me on Friday and did some writing whilst the 'Opera Babes' were onstage. Apparently they've sold 1 million records? They kept that quiet.

Moving into our new house next Sunday, I'm quite looking forward to it because its the best student house I've ever seen. Plus after two years of living in halls, I cant wait to get out, to be honest. I have a flatmate who's a nice girl but ridiculously inconsiderate, and she's done my head in the last few months. I cant handle being around people who'd disregard constant polite reminders to clean up in the kitchen, taking the bin out and to at least try not to make a mass of noise every time she gets wasted. We've had maggots in the bin twice because of her. So yeah, I'm looking forward to leaving the inconvenience of halls behind, and having a nice big double bed to sleep in. Mind you, I had a single this year and only one date has been here, so it didnt exactly get much use, if any aside from my nightly snooze.

Had a good chat with a friend who I'm living with a few nights ago. There was a big event a while back that burned bridges between him and his girlfriend, and the aforementioned flatmate of mine and I hadnt really seen him much since as he hadn't been around. So we cleared the air, so to speak, discussed how things had been, how things are, stuff for the house, worries over a flatmate of ours who's a shadow of the person we met back in September. It was a nice, reflective night. Although the more I think of it, the more aggravated I am getting by hanging around couples. Not in a terrible way, it's just with it now being almost two years, I'm getting a bit sick of reminders.

I've also noticed that every time something with a girl messes up, I can sense mysef getting more shy, and worse at conversation. I've been mincing my words terribly for about a year at times, I think it's a stammer or something. I cant really pinpoint it, maybe I'm just not that confident anymore.

Went back to Swansea a few weeks ago. To be honest, I was making out that it's harder to be there than it really is. I think I was hoping it was going to be harder, when at times it's far harder to, for instance, listen again to songs I got so emotionally wrapped up in during that year and defined how I felt than it actually is to hop on a train and see everything and everyone again. It's not hard to get the train back to Derby because I look forward to returning. That's a good difference, I guess. I'm still not allowing myself any respite for how things went last year and my choices, but I dont mind. I mean there's very little to distract me these days from just letting my thoughts stray and as I dont have many very close friends or confidantes I dont share it often.

I do wonder what it'd be like to have a best friend/confidante/girlfriend all in one, she'd have her work cut out but I dont think I'd be that much of a handful.

Ha, what a surprise. I've read this entry back and deleted the paragraph that was here. It was about reciprocation, and how I feel I'm making a bigger effort with some people and I've done a lot of things that I didnt need to in an attempt to make people happy, and whilst I dont do things like that to get something as a reward, I'm getting little in return. Its a bit demoralising to be honest.

But there we go. Everyone has problems, mine are by no means bad, this is just me catching my thoughts during an evening of weakness. In fairness, I spend so much time trying to stop myself complaining that I tell myself I cant do it. So I'm not gonna beat myself up about this very self pitying and self absorbed entry because it's not a bad thing to have one of them every now and then.
love iwan xx
p.s. A reminder of what I was doing just over a year ago in Sydney. I like being daft in photos :)

Sat, 12 May 2007 01:44:16 GMT

Blimey, this relationship lark can really distract people. Not me of course, friends. Other people. There must surely be more important things to talk about, like Haruki Murakami, or cheesecake?

Anyway, I finished my first year here now. 3 essays finished on the deadline day, and they werent too bad. Have got a job lined up as a front of house attendant at the local theatre/big venue called the Assembly Rooms, so wont be back up North properly till about August time just because I need the money and could really use the work experience. But hey, its not all bad. Alton Towers is less than an hour away from here. Swings and roundabouts :)

Anyway, will be back in Blackburn for my birthday on Saturday May 26th, if anyone wants a drink or two? Let me know, as it'd be nice to see you guys.
Hope you're all well :)
love iwan
p.s. listen to this album. It's called 'Murmurs', by Caroline :) kinda Bjork/Imogen Heap ish.

just call me 'The Bear'

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 02:15:26 GMT

Or 'Bear' will do. We're doing this play by the same name for our theatre studies performance in May, and my character, who's actual name is Grigory Stephanovich Smirnov gets called a bear towards the end of the play.

Anyway, let's see. Went home last weekend for mothering sunday and football matches, both of which were fun. It was great to see Nana eat a three course meal, havent seen her do that in years. It was a lovely meal, actually, and it was nice to be with the family. I went to a classical concert with Mum on the Sunday night too, in Manchester. My step dad usually goes with her but he was busy, so I kept her company. Was good fun really, the music was pretty enjoyable and I quite enjoy doing things like that, which I normally wouldnt get the chance to do.

Almost every time me and Mum are in the car for a journey lasting around an hour we end up getting into quite detailed coversations about the state of family matters. This time we spoke a lot about Dad, and Sara. And amazingly, I even got some light shed upon why Mum and Dad divorced in the first place. I'd never really questioned it, considering it happened when I was 3. Think the only thing I thought previously was that they just didnt love each other anymore, and that was good enough of a reason for me. So it's a bit weird that I'm almost 20, and its only now that I found out more about the whole thing. That's not really the point though.

It does suck to think this, and to have to go this far. I love my Dad, and we get on pretty well. Surfing with him last summer is one of my favourite memories of us spending time together. But just once, I would like to have a visit to Australia where I dont inadvertedly get under Sara's skin and force myself to walk on egg shells for the rest of the holiday. It's not worth Dad's money for me to visit for 3 weeks, for him not to be there for half of it which will leave me twiddling my thumbs at home, and to know that barely a week into events, Sara will get sick of me and make the rest of my stay unbelievably unwelcome. I've tried my fucking best to make that woman happy or to just make things easier because she is my Dad's wife. But its just not worth it this year. And besides, at one point during the last visit, Dad made it quite clear where his loyalties lie. Not that I'm trying to make him choose, I'm just saying I'm not visiting this year because its not worth it. And you know what? I'm starting to hate Sara for being this way with me, and I dont care.

Apologies for the bitching-fest, but this situation really gets me down, and I literally see no decent reason that any member of my family, even one not wishing to admit they're a relative of mine, feels the need to treat me like shit.

Anyway. Also in the news this week.

I came across an old love interest and old friend from Cheshire called Anna on facebook this week. Long story short, things got strained a few years ago, and her now ex-boyfriend made her stop talking to me for a while because he got over jealous. Anyway, when we spoke it was great, we still get on really well and we're hoping to meet up over easter. Really looking forward to seeing her, as she's still a great person and important to me. Getting back in touch with her kinda made me think about what would life be like if we hadnt have moved to Blackburn. Obviously I wouldn't have met all the lovely Blackburn College-ites that read this journal, which would suck, but I wonder what would've happened if we hadnt moved from Cheshire. At the time, Anna and I had a brief thing going on that ended with the move, so optimistically I assume we would've stayed together, I was really hoping to go to the same college as all my close friends in high school, and then uni etc. Admittedly, Northwhich, which is where I was, isnt as nice as Blackburn, but thats not really the point. I spent 7 years there, really grew up and I was finally settling when we left. It was the greatest and most frustrating thing I'd felt; finally feeling settled and happy to be where I was after so long feeling misplaced and with everything finally in place, but knowing I was going to have to do it all over again somewhere else. Obviously, considering we moved almost 4 years ago it's a bit of a futile thought, and it's not like all my problems now can be accounted to moving house, but I just wish I could have the chance to see how things would've been if I hadnt moved.

(because I think I would be happier)

I know there are far bigger contexts whilst moving house that people experience than the one I went through, but I dunno, I've just been thinking about how different everything would be. I know it's futile, but I still want to try and imagine it, just for my own sake. Not that I'm saying life is bad now, it's just that one decision could've altered things in a way that's difficult to take, let alone fathom.

Anyway, another term is winding down here in the Midlands. Now I have essays to think of in my rather annoyingly short 2 week easter break. But in the middle of that, I've been watching a lot of South Park. And who, WHO, I ask you, could resist such comedy gems as when a PETA representative talks about the organisations ways;
"Here we try and live as the animals; they are not our pets but our fellow living beings. We make friends with the animals, and inter-marry. This is my wife, Janice. The outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama, but our love knows no boundaries *cue kiss with a llama*."

Ok, a lot of my friends would resist such comic gems, but sod it, I love this show!
Anyway, I'm back in Blackburn on Friday, and I have an empty schedule so get in touch, and we shall meet and be merry!
love iwan xx

One Really Fast Year, And A Rubbish Review Of It

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 03:04:02 GMT

Albums of 2006;
ARCHITECTS 'Nightmares'
BRAND NEW 'The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me'
CAROLINE 'Murmurs'
CONVERGE 'No Heroes'
JOANNA NEWSOM 'Ys'
KILLSWITCH ENGAGE 'As Daylight Dies'
MOUNTAIN GOATS 'Get Lonely'
SIKTH 'Death Of A Dead Day'
SOWETO KINCH 'A Life In The Day Of B19: Tales of the Towerblock'
THREAT SIGNAL 'Under Reprisal'

Cool. That's pretty much my top ten anyway, how handy that it was ten too! I didnt even count them out at first either.
Anyway, I'll grab some questions from last years questionnaire and try that again.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Started being honest, stood up on a surfboard.

2. What countries did you visit?
Japan, Australia.

3. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I dunno about dates, but my day in Tokyo was amazing. Moving to Derby, Nana's 80th birthday gathering. New Year's was good too.

4. What was your biggest failure?
University. At least I have a chance to make it better.

5. What was the best thing someone bought you?
If I can count myself in this, then I will! My little Totoro doll from Tokyo Narita Airport.

6. What song will always remind you of 2006?
In Flames 'Vacuum', Joanna Newsom 'Emily', Masashi Hamauzu 'Calm Before The Storm'.

7. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Nope.

8. How many one-night stands?
One.

9. What was your greatest musical discoveries?
Sufjan Stevens, Threat Signal, Joanna Newsom, Regina Spektor, Caroline, Fionn Regan, Beth Orton.

10. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Besides the obvious annoying choice, not having to deal with Sara would have been nice.

11. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
We went around Swansea and drank. It was good fun, perhaps the best birthday outing I've had.

12. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006?
There is such a thing as being 'too nice'.

13. Where did most of your money go?
Ze Australia trip, various train trips around the country, and on alcohol, oddly enough.

14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Cared, created, danced.

15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Talked. Listening is the new talking, kids.

16. Terms/words/quotes of the year?
Oh, tit biscuits!
Douche.
Give that man a cocunut.

Two thousand and six was an odd year. Another one of those transitional ones, maybe. To be fair, nothing huge really happened. I did start another uni but that was something I'd already done. Tokyo was amazing but it was in difficult circumstances and it wasnt long enough. I think the most surprising thing is how fast it all went by. I've got a bit of a problem with taking stock of things, and the faster that time seems to go by, the worse it gets. So I dont really feel like I learnt much at all last year.

.....Ah well.
love iwan xx

Rally Ho!

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 02:30:23 GMT

Seems most had a normally good christmas, and for that I am glad :)

Lately, I've been watching Laputa: Castle In The Sky on DVD. It's ANOTHER Japanese animation film by the company that did Spirited Away. I've got about 5 of them now, they're so damn good. Really makes me wish I'd seen them as a kid, because I can't imagine what they would've done for my imagination back then. Plus the music is really good on these films too, and what with my secondary ambition to write soundtrack music for films and games, it helps hearing this stuff!

Being back home is.....strange. Its not the old uni cliche of missing home then getting there and wanting to be straight back at uni. I'm not sure what it is really, but this winter has felt really odd. I dont care how daft I sound, but it doesnt feel like winter is really trying just yet. Let's have some snow and frost already! Friggin weather.

I still miss Swansea and all it's lovely inhabitans. Just this evening I was browsing some friends myspace pages using the profile me and Dave used for our radio show, and I was on so many friends pages in great photos that it actually made me a little sad. Is there any way for me to bus them up to Derby and brainwash them into going to uni here......
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....it's an option.

But....Derby. It's been great. Great friends, good place, good course. Everything I wanted. And now because I'm missing people in the Swan I'm nitpicking, and thinking part of the reason I'm not really REALLY loving it is because I haven't gotten enough female friends. Which, let's face it, is frigging daft. I just need to force a few big high-points into this term because I had some of the times of my life and met some of the best people ever in Swansea. I need to match them, and so far I'm just about getting there. If I do, then I'll feel totally settled.

Anyway, sides that, New Year's is Sunday. The original plan was to be with my brother, as that's his birthday, but he isn't comfortable with me being there with him and his mates from Manchester uni, so it might just be me and some cider and dvds. If anyone has anything similar planned and DOESNT want to go out for a New Year's Eve in Blackburn, for the love of God, get in touch! Don't suffer in silence. Although I figure you lot have a good amount of rowdiness planned :)

I will leave you with this; I got this from Dave's myspace, its from camping for Adam's birthday in The Gower in September;

"This is my mate Iwan. Also known as... Kaptain Von METALCHEEKS!!!!"
ooohhhhh yeah. Fuckin cool :)
love iwan xx

P.S. Bee, we're goin to see Regina in February!! Front row all the way :) thanks again for booking the tickets. x

Dream Diary pt.1

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 12:45:33 GMT

I think I got woken up at about 10:39 this morning, knew I had some more lie-in time and took full advantage of it. So I fell back to sleep and I dreamt. I dreamt about a huge suspension bridge somehow falling in the middle of the sea. I swam away from it to the zoo that my family owned, and took care of some animals (I forget which ones, but knowing me, probably monkeys). Then I embraced this girl. I cant even tell you her name right now, I can tell you it felt like Amy, though. It soon became pretty clear that we were in love in this dream, and that felt pretty amazing. Just hugging, kissing, feeling totally at ease and loving each moment that went by. For some reason her ex-boyfriend turned up with a girl (why? I dont know! Private Zoo, y'see), and got jealous of 'Amy' being with me, 'Amy' then got upset and started crying, and I started whispering things into her ear while I held her to comfort her. As I kept on talking, I slowly woke up. I might even have been whispering those things as I woke up.

It's weird. I never try to question good or crazy things that go on in dreams. I think if you do then you ruin the whole thing, because dreams are just prolonged minutes of your imagination and conciousness running wild, and showing you what they can do. And this might sound utterly absurd, but after that dream, I'm really not worried about when I'll meet whoever I end up falling in love with next. I just feel a bit more relaxed about the whole thing now. Everyone had been telling me that I have to wait for these things because they only come at you from out of the blue, and I understood that but now I'm in that mindset. I dont need to go out looking for it. Before, I couldn't be in that mindset because it had been so long with such a bad run of luck. It's going to be difficult to explain why a dream about being with a girl who's name I cant even remember and who's face I can barely picture has helped, but I've always loved the way my mind works when it comes to dreams, so I'm just going to go with it.
xx

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 01:45:28 GMT

You know what....I cant wait for smoking to be banned in pubs and clubs.

Anyway, am just writing to remind myself of what's been going on lately. Mum and Martin came down on Friday for a nice meal with what was going to be 4 friends, but turned into 7. Was a nice time, and we then drove back home within two hours. For some reason, I really like that fact that I'm barely a few hours away from home. Well, actually for a few reason; I actually LIKE being home, and I love our house. I took full advantage of having no shitty university internet blocker and got myself some albums (about 12 of em). Have slowly been sifting my way through them this last week. Not quite sure about Beck's new one, or unfortunately the new Incubus one, but the new Decemberists album is pretty good, as is Isobel Campbell and Joanna Newsom's new ones. Currently listening to Damien Rice's new one, I think he's a tad overrated, but he makes great acoustic songs. But my goodness me, he SWEARS in this album! What WILL the mothers say....

Saturday saw me reunited with the Blackburn lot, and it was dash nice to see all of you. (P.S. Happy birthday again Gill! You'll never be too old to be awesome). Although Simon hugged me a little too hard, and somehow he's managed to damage one of my ribs. Dont ask me how, the bloody thing just hurts when I turn my body. But anyway, Saturday was a good night out. Although I reckon the Cellar Bar is going to benefit hugely from the smoking ban in pubs ;)

Sunday, I took the train back to Derby. We got delayed outside of Sheffield, and I missed two connections. Went to look for my next one when we arrived in Sheffield, and I ran into my first ex-girlfriend. I actually walked past her, noticed who she was, then thought to go back and say hello. So we said hello, had a chat, caught up, and just before I got onto the train she apologised for what happened (long story short, she treated me like poo and dumped me via email), which was a long time coming, but was still nice to hear. I wasnt expecting it. I got on the train feeling good, a little happy despite the train delay and felt a good sense of a chapter now closed.

For some dumbass reason I couldnt ride that crest for long, because two stupid things happened on Tuesday that really upset me. My TV died and Manchester United got beaten. Course that is the end of no one's world, but for some reason those things really upset me and angered me. In a way, it was nice because I simply got to let some anger out, because I wasnt tremendously upset over those things, I was just letting everything out for a change. You lot all know I dont do that enough. That night, feeling slightly more chilled out and in a club, I ran into a really nice girl from the previous week and got talking to her. Unfortunately, she was almost always surrounded by guys after we had a 5 minute chat, be they sleazy emo's trying to pull her or guy friends who obviously fancied her. Anyway, got her email address and I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday consisted of food shopping, and walking into Reveal Records (local indie record shop) and hearing two minutes of a technoey ambient singer/songwriter, and buying a copy. It's an album called 'Murmurs' by Caroline. She's kinda similar to Bjork and Imogen Heap, and she's from Tokyo. Made for me, really :D

Anyway, I've felt like more quiet lately, just content to sit around in my room catching up on everything else apart from going out drinking with uni friends. But now, I need to sort out falling into bed. Hollywood Cinema lecture in the morning!
love iwan xx

Oohs and Aaahs

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 02:12:21 GMT

Did I enjoy halloween?

....Dunno....a bit, maybe?

Actually, no one asked that question....
Ah well :)
Ross Noble is keeping me up with his fantastic new 4-disc DVD set. It's like the Taj Mahal for those with no agenda, or who like Ross Noble. Odd, that.
It's kept me from going to bed, which isnt great as in aboot 7 hours I've got Film + TV History, and thus far I've fallen asleep in that lecture 5 times. No mean feat considering we've only had 6 lectures. But the allure of the Ross Noble boxset was too hard to avoid. Plus I actually wanted to watch it, which always helps.
Anyway, I need to write in this thing properly soon. Contrary to total lack of Derby reports and stuff, I'm having a good time, just keep forgetting to write about it.
Yarr!
iwan xx

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 12:11:24 GMT

I just thought to myself, whilst thinking about how much I want Final Fantasy XII, would I rather have a girlfriend or Final Fantasy XII for the PS2. Unfortunately, the first thought that entered my head was 'Final Fantasy XII'. Thus I have attained a higher level of geekdom. Progressive society's gonna LOVE me(!)

Derby has been pretty righteous thus far. Granted I miss my Swansea homies a lot, but thats expected after spending a year with them. The people here are very nice, although I wouldnt mind a little time away soon, just for a change. It's rare that I spend 4 weeks in one place without going anywhere else. The course is half-decent, I think I'm getting into it and I've spoken out in classes and seminars quite a lot already. Derby itself is a nice place to be, there's enough here to keep me interested and happy. To get to Walkabout in town, I believe we pass 25 bars and clubs. Has to be seen to be believed!

I've already found a fantastic girl called Naiomi, who works at the pub next door to our hall of residence. Smart, funny, nice to be around, similar interest in films, music, games even! Course, she's already taken. With girls like her, I always feel out of my depth, and think they're out of my league, but I think I've said that with almost every girl I've liked. Time for a bit of confidence, eh? I'm trying to strike that middle ground between trying to get to know her but not coming across too strong and making it obvious that I like her, and making her feel uncomfortable because she has a boyfriend. But I did her a mix CD, which is the international present and symbol for cool friendship, of course.

I'm missing my Dad a little more than usual lately. Have tried out for the football team, and got into the squad for the 4th team. Yesterday's training session was a fucking nightmare though, so bloody demoralising so I might just quit and go to the drama society instead. In the long run, I'm sure that'll be more fun. I mean I'm not quitting just because I've had one bad day, its just in the long-run, I'll probably enjoy acting a few times a week with great people than getting exhausted and aching like hell twice/three times a week instead.

Most mornings, I resist the bed's gravitational pull on me and get up to go to a lecture. Today it just didnt happen, and my back literally said "lecture? Doing the 20 minute walk to uni with YOUR back after football? Shit no! Stay in bed you goit." I must admit I was grateful for it too. Didnt get up till the maintenance guy called at 11:50 either. It was a bit awesome :)

Anyway, this entry could've been more Iwan-ish, I'll make a note to work on that for the next one. I'm glad it's all going well here, even more pleased to hear you're all doing well in Manchester and Leeds too :) take care
love iwan xx

Not Thinking

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 01:02:00 GMT

I was having one of those days. Nothing I wanted to do, but things I could do. So I went to post an ebay item, drop a watch at my Nana's, and then thought about staying in the park for a while. So I did, for about an hour. Sat on a bench next to the very large duck pond and all I eventually thought about was how little I was thinking.

Now I've made a life out of thinking, so this was a breakthrough. I listened to some classical stuff I have on my mp3 player, stuff by Aaron Copland, Erik Satie, bit of Bach. I tried quite dilligently to get some smiles from people (by smiling at them, of course), but you really can't force it out of people in Blackburn. Or even attempt to, it seems. I squeezed a smile at a guy who walked past after feeding the ducks, and said "hello" but to no response aside from a stiff grin.

Oh, now if it helps, I'm 99% sure this happened. One of the kids of a mother who was looking out at the ducks came up to me smiling, and I fuckin SWEAR he stuck his right middle finger up at me! He was barely 5! It was mental, and I cant say it did wonders for my self esteem to be insulted by someone that young and small. Gosh, some Blackburn people sure are swell(!)

Went to go see 'You, Me and Dupree' with my brother and his girlfriend on Monday. Wasn't something I'd go and see normally, so I guess it's good to shake things up from time to time. But it was a bit weird; Matt Dillon's character ends up getting insanely jealous and thinks that Dupree is trying to move in on his wife, and strangles him by jumping across the dinner table. Bit different for an American 12 rated comedy, I'd say. Obviously everything sorts itself out in the end, but still, the set-up didnt quite sit with me. I'd think more about it, if I could spare the brain cells.

Lights out and love
iwan xx

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 01:08:57 GMT

Watched 'Sideways' on DVD with my brother last week. I got it for him as a graduation present, and its really good. One of those coming-of-age films, with wine and adults having a transistion time. Plus it has Paul Giamatti; the Paul Giamatti who had a part in The Negotiator, was in American Splendor and that new M. Night Shamalyan film (I wont watch it, but he's in it). He IS cool. He's anti-cool, which makes him cool.

I haven't updated in ages. But nothing much has really happened. I go to bed late, I wake up late, I might do something but I probably wont during the day. Repeat. BUT. I actually have things to do in the next week.

University soon. And I know how to start this time, which will help.

A gracious friend allowed one photo to be taken in Manchester on Friday. Really didnt turn out very well, but in a slightly cool fashion at least;

Sorry it's not very clear Bee, but still, thanks for a great day :)

I'll get back into the swing of a journal in a week or so, there will be still to talk about in Derby, I'm sure. I cant wait for the challenge and the chance of being, living and working somewhere new, and righting a wrong from a year ago.

I now know exactly why it is that I wont get another myspace account. Aside from the blinding high school popularity contest some people treat it as, I've not had a profile for a year and I've got more friends than ever. In short, I dont need one. I could meet new people, yes. Or I could just go for a night out in Derby, or as I did in Swansea and get involved with the drama society and make a ton of friends, or just go to the pub and chat to people interested in the football match I'm watching. I did the latter in November or so, and from talking to 3 people whilst watching a match, I went on to make friends with a 20-30 plus group of people at uni, and I saw half of them last weekend.

Myspace is a good way of making friends, but it's also an easy one. I'm not on some sort of socialising crusade against it, but I'd rather not take the easy way out to meet new people. In short, I dont need it, and besides, I'm good at meeting new people face-to-face. Why the hell would I let it do the fun stuff for me?

......plus I couldnt wear my green "Myspace Ruined My Life" t-shirt and be sincere about it :P what kind of of twat would wear that shirt and actually have a profile anyway?

Oh? Uh, a mate asked me why I didnt get a Myspace profile and I thought to much about it.
I'm moving to Derby on Friday, AND I CANT FUCKING WAIT TO START :)
love iwan xx

Most People Dont Need To Know This Stuff

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 02:02:23 GMT

Time for an unconventional entry, I feel. Here are some things almost everyone doesnt know about me. This isnt making the assumption that you want to know them, its just because I like indirectly sharing things about myself;

*I have a rather large and irrational fear of tarantulas and snakes. I ended up checking under my bed almost every night in Australia, if I remember. Now you may scoff, but it's common practice over there in some places! Just not where I was....:P

*I once fancied a girl in high school so badly that I changed the names of a couple in a Final Fantasy PC game to mine and hers.

*I was a senior prefect at Hartford High School, and loved it. That kind of power was secretly quite nice to have.

More later. I dont think I want to mention anything about me that has the words "Spice Girls" in there, that'd be going too far for one night!

Ruth gave me the idea for this second bit with an entry on her journal, in which she wrote 11 statements out to people without saying who they're addressed to. This is the second idea I've nicked from her entry, but it was such a good idea! *bows to R*. I just want to do this to see what comes out, even if I cant think of 11.

1. I didnt really feel that hurt when you moved away, I was glad that you were getting the chance of a better life. But I do wish you could've been nearer over the last few years, you're still the one out of the family I get along best with because I'm more similar to you than any of the others. It's history now, but things would've been a hell of a lot easier with you here, not there.

2. I do still think of you, just dont miss you anymore. It's nice, and it's a combination of time and also just some of these things you've done. Not that this matters, but you wont ever understand just how much you've hurt some people. Here's a tip for the future; dont say things you dont mean or intend to mean a few weeks later.

3. I'm really happy you're coming back here. I cant imagine it's been fun hearing all my little worries this year, but you really helped, and I'd like to think I've helped you a little in someway. Trust me, I moan far less in person, I just type faster than I can talk.

4. There's always something special about hearing from you, being with you is always great too. I think its the way you talk, and also after each time we do exchange words I realise another thing that we have in common.

5. I miss you mate, plain and simple. It was so easy getting to know you this last year, and even if I didnt see you everyday, being with you was almost always fun or nice. People like you are hard to find.

6. You're perhaps the biggest contradiction I've ever known. Considering your beliefs, your religion, you're perhaps the most verbally aggressive and angriest person I've ever met. No one's ever angered me as much as you have, and I'm quite sure it'll stay that way.

7. It's not that hard to piece together all thats happened in those two years, it's just that a lot's happened. At the end of it, I cant believe you are where you are now, but I'm glad you've felt like sharing parts of it with me. You're going to make a fantastic parent.

8. I think me and you would've gotten along very well. Really saddened by the fact that you're not here to share things with, because I think you would've made an incredible impact on me when I was growing up. I'm sad that I never knew you, and miss you.

9. I really wish you felt guilty.

10. I remember chatting to you about the B word a while ago, and now you've gotten the thing that I always felt you deserved. I am really happy for you to have what you have now.

11. And YOU....well I just plain dont LIKE you.

I think I might do this again when I know more people I can talk about :)
love iwan xx

Just Plain Updatedness

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 01:19:34 GMT

Well....considering that the only people who read this are ones that I'm in fairly regular touch with, I guess I'm still updating for anyone who reads and my sake and also to add my customary odd humour, photos and that thing I call "Oddity; touch of Iwan."

Australia was, for the most part, amazing. I would love to move out to Sydney one day, that place has almost too much going for it. So beautiful, welcoming, but busy and active. Favourite moments of that week were many;

Seeing Dad again and my Australian family was excellent. I was just disappointed that troubles with my step mother flared up again. Main problem being that I'm quite nice, easy-going and try to please people, whereas my step mother can be quite cold, and if my Dad says she's difficult to deal with, you can sure as hell bet that I'm gonna agree. Still, I've done enough in my view, and whilst I can admit I havent helped at times, she's caused enough damage herself by not viewing herself and what she's said and done. Fuck it. Why peservere trying to form a relationship with someone who seemingly doesnt want it half the time?

Thats the short version, anyway. On the whole, the time spent at Dad's was fun. I always get a little teary-eyed when he leaves me at the airport though. Was nice to have Steph there to give me a small hug.

Japan.......I saw but two airports, a road and the road leading to the hotel in Tokyo, and I can honestly say I've fallen in love with the country more than before. It's so damn awesome, I'd love to live there one day. Gill n Soph, glad you enjoyed your gifts! Ruth, you'll see yours next month!

On paper, this trip should have been incredible. In practice, well no one can produce incredibility (new word!) quite like I expect. Nevermind. It's almost certainly turned into one of those experiences that I've looked back upon with pangs of mistakes thanks to the power of retrospect. The only thing that is clear is that it couldnt really have gone many other ways after the tickets were booked, so I'll pack this melodrama away and embrace the fact that even though Steph's still my friend, I dont feel the need to be with her anymore after 3 weeks with her. And that, it has to be said, is kinda nice.

Being back home is nice, but being home alone is spooky. I always seem to have to double check all the doors are closed and curtains drawn and stuff. Being at uni was different, you were alone in your room but in a building with tons of people. Being alone in a house for a little while makes you feel a little empowered, but some company wouldnt go amiss. Course, company should never go amiss.

Been playing a lot of football and been out drinking a few times. I figure I'm repaying myself for all the times I didnt go out during college, because I've got some pretty damn decent mates here. Anyway, back off to Swansea much sooner than I thought, next Monday in fact, for Adam's birthday. Should be nice to get the uni group back together for a short camping trip.

So there's a nice thorough update for you. Catch you on da.....
....ahh fuck it.....bye dudes:)
love iwan xx

Strewth!

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 23:07:48 GMT

Hey dudettes
Friday morning here in Sydney, been getting up early all week since we arrived. Seen a lot of awesome things! Such as;
*Fruit bats flying above our heads in the botanical gardens at about 10am.
*A big-ass herd of multi coloured parrots congregating on a tree right in front of us (got photos and videos of them!)
*Awesome ferry rides around the Harbour Bridge and Opera House (well we are British tourists)
*A guy playing the Mario theme tune on the tuba at Circular Wharf!!!

So far its been pretty damn awesome, as expected. We leave for 10 days at Dad's in Coffs Harbour tomorrow. Everything is as ok as it can be, really. Aside for things like this;

"My boyfriend would love this."
"Guess what Dan just did!"

Thanks for the email Ruth! Got tons of photos so far, and some cool videos. I'll post some when I arrive at Dads's. We're only in Japan for about 17 hours or so, so it's just a mini-explore. I cant wait though! Will be on the look out for your requested present :)
Gill n Soph, missing you two! Hoping to meet up with you and the college posse when I get back, which'll be on the 15th.
Mary Beth (dunno if you're reading, but anyway!), really want to go to see Regina Spektor with you in July if you're still interested? Email me or something, I'd really love to go if you're up for it.
So lets hear how you lot are :) missing you all, even if its just MSN talk.
Cant wait to see my Dad.
Big love and old ladies that have a ghettoblaster on their shoulder with "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" playing on it (I shit you not!!)
iwan xx

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 11:47:00 GMT

Tonsils flaring up again, and we fly out in 3 days. What are the funking odds? Cant get a doctors appointment till tomorrow morning too. "The doctor's surgery is on lockdown??"

I'm honestly trying my best not to complain, but the timing is mind boggling. At least you'll never hear me make the "as if I didn't have enough to deal with" line. That'd just be a blatant lie ;)

Already missing uni, not predominantly because of photo opportunities like this;

But that definitely enters my thinking.

Really glad that Australia is so soon after getting back, as I have nowt else to do, really.

Lets look at this rationally, is there a human being alive that wouldnt swoon at the sight of Monica Bellucci?

Thought not.
"So....er, Monica, or Mon, if i may...?"

Blackburn to Leicester to Heathrow to Osaka to Sydney to Coffs Harbour, to Sydney to Tokyo to Heathrow to Leicester to Blackburn :D
But what the jelly beans is up with this tonsilitis timing!!
iwan xx

Remember This Feeling

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 00:55:33 GMT

So there I am, at the Drama Society awards, with my bottle of wine that I've been sipping on for some time. I didnt win an Oscar. Then the Committee Awards come up, and the award for Enthusiasm is announced for the person who exemplified talent, enthusiasm (well yeah), commitment and willingness to help to the society. And Jo, Vice-President calls the name 'Iwan'. And my heart literally jumps down to my shoes.

I think I said something about it being odd that I got this positive award when I'm actually quite negative and said thank you to everyone. Of course, part of the problem was that I'd had a bottle of white wine to myself by this point, so this is what SHOULD have come out;

"There's a long list of people I want to hug and thank over and over again, and they all who they are, as I have thanked them and hugged them over and over again. I love this society, I love everyone in it, and I'm proud to have been involved in putting on incredible productions with you this year. I've got too many memories to name, too many names to say, its been that kind of year. Sod it, I love you all to bits, and I'll be here for every play next year. I've loved every minute of this, please stay awesome :) "

Thats about it really. One thing I am grateful of is when Mum came down to see the last play of the year, Lysistrata (the Greek one with the sex strike), she understood why I was thinking of staying for the society. It grabs you that much. Its impossible to describe to an outsider, but its ok. Maybe you'll get to see what I mean next year in Derby.

Fuck.....

It's going to be so much harder to leave Swansea after tonight. Every time I spend time with these people it becomes harder to leave. And you know what? I love it.
And I love this. I got recognised for what I've done to help. And it means the world to me.
Time to feel awesome
Love
Iwan xx

Birthday Greetings

Sat, 27 May 2006 12:31:40 GMT

Here we all are at Potters Wheel;

That's Dave, Christen, James, Me with Adam next to me, and Steph. Havent had that many people at my birthday in years, it felt really good. A marked improvement on getting hit by a car and then doing a media exam afterwards last year, I'd say :)
xx

Sun, 14 May 2006 11:20:21 GMT

Mixed feelings lately. Anyway, last night was the society ball. I had no smart shoes, but I had bought a suit during the week (never had one before!), so this is how I looked;

Trying to hard?

Went to Cardiff on Thursday night to spend time with my old mate Neill from Cheshire, we went to see Great Lake Swimmers at the South by South Wales festival (a shiny guinea to the one who gets the play on words there :P). Found myself thinking how much easier things would've/might've been had I gotten into Cardiff, as I really do love it there. It's one of those places that only gets better to me each time I go there.

Took this photo outside the uni on Friday afternoon, I think my flash was accidentally on, but I still like the way it looks;

Also took some arty farty photos in a train toilet, because I can. But I dont particularly think they need to be seen, as there's already one photo of me in this entry.

Went to see John and Wendy, who're family friends in Newport on Friday, and Ruth you might be especially interested to hear that they loved Her Space Holiday! I played them The Past Presents The Future and they loved it.

Sorry for not being bubbly. I'd just rather get out here right now and have done with all this.

(Dad's house in Sandy Beach, Australia.)
It's also odd to be feeling this grumpy when I've generally been in a good mood since I've been back in Swansea.
Anyway. Pub, for pool and football. AGAIN. Maybe that'll cheer me up :)

ALRIGHT. WHICH F**KWIT'S BEEN AT MY TOFU!!

Fri, 05 May 2006 01:46:51 GMT

I dont actually eat tofu, but I am a fan of random sentences that work well as MSN names and are completely innacurate!

Monday at Time & Envy, which ended up being a small reunion of drama people from the year's first play;

Good times :) you dont really need to know who these guys are, but from left to right; Big Dave, Rob, Keiran (BIRTHDAY BOY!), Kitty, me (notice i didnt do the Iwan thing and say 'some twat' instead), Annie May, Rob and Helen.

It's so funking nice to be back in Swansea, easter was just dull and boring for the most part. Granted it was cool to go to Leicester and also go see Derby as thats where I'm going next year, but being back in Swansea has been great as the weather's just been perfect almost every day. I've started to realise that I'm really going to miss this place, but not enough to change my mind.

New shoes! Awesome ones too. But I swear I never noticed the weed leaf motif on the front part of the shoe until after I bought them.

Ruth said the previous photo that went here with Ginger Rob was a bit too suggestive. Thus, here's the coolest photo of me ever;

If anyone, ANYONE, can find a better photo of themselves pulling a better face than that (that's Adam on the left btw), then....well....try it.

First journal entry with just one complaint! WINNER. What do I have to complain about, I've got friends that want me to stay here, I've got enough money to start a whole new life in September, friends I can see when I move there, and my new shoes reminded me of the fact that I'm gonna be playing songs on an acoustic guitar on a beach halfway around the world in about two months time.

One last thought. I should be able to get home for my Nana's 80th birthday. Honestly, I'm just glad she's still around, she's had illness after illness in the last decade, and she's as great as she always was. It gets a little scary when I see her get out of breath so quickly. Still, it's always a laugh playing Deal or No Deal or Countdown together when I get to see her. Shit, I need to get her a present!
The sun's shining! It's awesome.
Mt Iwan xx

Ohhh For Frig Cakes.....

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 22:16:47 GMT

Maybe.
Maybe.
MAYBE...
...
I miss Myspace.
Considering how a lack of it seems to have spelled doom upon my social life, I should just swallow my pride and make another profile. But I'm too moronic, opinionated and principled to do it. Besides, I wouldnt be able to wear my 'Myspace Ruined My Life' top without seeming like an idiot, and that top gets me noticed (in clubs in Swansea anyway).
Stuff it. Thats not really important.

I get spoiled. I'll be spoiled when I get back to uni as I'll be living with friends literally metres away from my door. I realised how great that is this easter, and how much I'm really going to miss these friends come June.

I've had enough of focussing on the negatives. So I'm going to give myself a bit of a break and allow myself to enjoy this next term as fully as possible.
So what if I dont have any real close friends lately? I've got plenty of good friends.
I made the wrong decision by going to Swansea. So yeah, gotta give myself a break for that one and go to Derby with a clean state of mind.
So what if only me, Soph, Gill and Lorente were the only ones who turned up on Saturday for the much publicised B6 party? Least we turned up and had a laugh.

Got a lot of good things to focus on;
Only got 3 exams this summer.
Going to Australia.
I'm gonna get a chance to do an awesome course next year in a nice place.
Ruth's coming back this summer! Yep, you know we all miss you, Miss.

I seem to have fallen for Beth Orton. Admittedly she is in her mid 30s, won a Brit Award (kiss of death in my book), but she writes such good songs, and when you look like this, stuff the Brits;

When life gets me down now, I just look at this photo;

Ahhh Super Grover, how I look up to thee.

Your pal, iwan xx

Photos AND Words! Mental.

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 01:03:07 GMT

So. Lately I've been listening to a lot of;

Beth Orton. She is pretty damn great. Thoughful lyricist and has a great ear for melody. Plus even if she is 36 or so, I think she's really pretty :)

We finished a play at the end of March, called Lysistrata. This is everyone;

It was a greek comedy, hence the togas.

And even though it doesnt look like it here, we all got very drunk afterwards;

Been to Old Trafford a few times to see Man United. Further proves the theory that I need to drag people along with me to have more fun :P But we didnt lose both times;

I'm going here in June with Shnee;

And I think we're picking up one of these for Aisha for her birthday;

This is still the best photo I've ever taken;

Yep. It's lovely learning to use HTML :p
XX

Startling Revelation!

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 00:27:37 GMT

The Antarctic Monkeys have called their debut album "whatever people say i am, thats what i'm not." I recently realised. Millions of people love them and think they're a really good band, so surely, by the logic of their album title, they suck!
I KNEW IT!!
So fucking far ahead of the game. It hurts to be me sometimes :)
xx

Noughts and Crosses? Oh FACK, dude

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 01:24:45 GMT

I'm a lucky person. I get to go to Australia for three weeks in June. And the two people that read my Livejournal, that'd be Ruth and Soph, are also lucky as they're in line to get presents from Japan, or at least, a Japanese airport. I'd say that's lucky :)

Rude people. Why? What's your fackin deal? Here's me, being all charming to a girl that smiled at me earlier and I'd gone to speak to and asking for her email instead of her number last friday, and after 4 times of trying to say hello online, I'm getting nothing. And thus far, this has been the easiest of my girl entanglements at uni because nothing's really happened of note. I'm pretty sure that girls in Swansea have formed a secret cult against me, for I am on the worst run of luck EVER. Yes, it's pathetic, yes it's emo, and yes I'm done now. SORRY.

I will tell you something. Some friends down here are doing a brilliant job of showing up my closest friends of late. Thats not a go at anyone on Livejournal, just the truth. I'm being honest, a good amount of my friends make fuck all effort, and then there's Becca and Dom (directors from the play I was in last December), I see them maybe twice a week? And they gave me the most wonderful compliments and comments when I sent them the mp3 of 'Reflections'. And even a great analysis from Becca.

Mixed signals are great, aren't they?

The latest Thrice album is incredible. It's called 'Vheissu'; I fall more in love with it each time I hear it. I must send these songs out to more people, cant ever imagine having gotten through this year without this album and a few more.

Tell me honestly, am I too nice? I went to visit a friend a few floors below me who'd had problems with her boyfriend last night, so I went to go give her hugs and stuff. I'm glad she said thank you. Joey rocks, and I'm glad she sorted out things with her boyfriend Luke, who's also cool. A lot of these dumb good things I do seem to go unnoticed, or I have to CASUALLY remind people to thank me for doing things for them. I HATE doing that. But I do it anyway.

Ruth! According to the site, your Birthday/Xmas present is still 'pending' to be shipped. I cant do anything about it because there's no cancel button on the site or 'hurry your facking arse up' button.

I've finally found a way to wear my beanie in a good way, even with my exceptionally large head.

I wonder where I'm going to be in September.

Something keeps smacking my mind; it's incredibly difficult to move on when there's no one who wishes to be with you as more than a friend. I've been trying my best, I really fucking well have, much more than I ever have, and I'm getting nowhere. Maybe I'm trying too hard.

Either way, something's wrong lately. Have I been shutting you lot out?

Random memories for my livejournal homies;
Ruth; stood in HMV in Blackburn, passing a Futurama boxset, mentioning the Crushinator and both quoting "But.Pa.I.Love.Him" at the same time and giggling. Sorry for being nostalgic, but that still makes me smile. I'm working on a list of awesome things that we can all do when you get back!
Sophster; you visiting last December with Gill (Hey Gill!) was fun, and also when I saw you on ur lunch break and your colleague accosted you having seen you with me. Was it wrong of me to feel complimented ? :P hehe.

Big love from the mountain
mt iwan xx